A Citizen's Guide to Clean and Efficient Drinking in East Tennessee
It happens all to often, and only to the best of us. You get to your place on a Friday, Tuesday, or Monday afternoon and it's been a long fucking day. Your mind aches from thinking. You open the fridge; Fuck. You see orange juice, the water jug, the milk, the half bottle of Jim Beam for some reason you are conserving (amateur). Your eyes zip past the butter and the eggs, speeding around the jelly and syrup until you find... the back of the fridge.
Where the hell has all the beer gone?
In a panic, you curse under your breath, slam the fridge, grab your car keys and storm out the door. You aren't angry. You are irritated that you made such a juvevile mistake, broke the cardinal rule, especially in such a time of crisis. I mean, fuck, it is early evening on a weekday. Jeopardy is coming on in 27 minutes, you are tired and pissed off because you have spent the past 8 hours doing something other than drinking and watching Jeopardy. You are thirsty. Food? Fuck food. Beer is what you need. You know Kroger is going to be a solid 20-30 minute trip, even though they offer the best prices, it's just too much effort, I mean hell, how much is gas anyways? Add time plus gas, and Kroger is a ripoff. Anyways, if you had 20 or 30 minutes you could run to Sears and get some power tools AND THEN beer. Power tools, hell scope out the new grills, Sears actually sounds pretty awesome, but no, Jeopardy is coming on. Jeopardy and beer. Shit, is that too much to ask for?
So you arrive to your local IGA, Sam's party store, BP, Shell, Pilot, Wiegals, or the sketchy beer place by Grand Forest, what have you. You walk in without saying a word and then you see it. The holy grail of beer, gas station beer, cheap beer.
Now here is the hard part, what do you buy?
Since I know most of you do not think your beer decisions through, I am going to lay it out simply. Miller High Life.
Let's break down the reasons why.
1. Miller High Life is the least expensive beer in the store.
NOTE: I automatically exclude Red Dog, Beast, Natty Light - top poor man choice, Southpaw, PBR - a close 2nd to Natty, Busch, Busch Light, and 40s ( if you were buying 40s, it wouldn't be for a weekday same for Steel Reserve), and O'Douls. I consider these to be skim-beers, or water-beers. You need a BEER. You don't need beer jr.
So your choices are narrowed down to Bud Light, Bud Heavy, Miller Lite, Miller High Life, Coors Light, Coors, the fancier Amberbocks, Killians, Michelobs, etc. I exclude MGD because anyone who has ever had MGD know that it's side effects include, well, it's a long list.
First, we want the most beer for the best price. That knocks off Killians, Amberbocks, Becks, Heine's, Coronoas, XX, etc.
We are down to the domestic quad and their gang: Bud's (heavy and light), Miller's (Lite and High Life), and Coor's (Light, and...wait we aren't in Denver, just Light), and finally Michelob Light, and Michelob.
Beer should be healthy, good for you. We all know that low-carb is out the door. It left about the time ol' Robert Atkins left us. To settle this debate about carbs, I tapped into the source that well, seems all too appropriate. http://www.askmen.com/sports/foodcourt_100/124_eating_well.html
If you will read that it states that "slow-burning carbs are good for you". Beer carbs, are slow burning carbs, therefore a the more carbs in a beer the healthier.
Miller High Life -- 13.1
Michelob -- 11.9
Bud Heavy -- 10.6
Michelob Light -- 6.7
Bud Light -- 6.6
Coors Light -- 5.0
Miller Lite -- 3.2
High Life = Healthiest. They wouldn't say "Live the High Life" if it was not healthy. Miller High Life is about making a statement and sticking to it.
2. Let's discuss price. Efficiency is getting the most for your month. In our following dilemma I have ranked the prices as following, although the actual prices may vary, the rank never does. Starting with the cheapest.
Miller High Life: $6.99 /12 pack
Miller Lite: $8.29/12 pack
Bud Light: $8.29/12 pack
Bud Heavy: $8.59/12pack
Coors Light: $8.79/12 pack
Michelob Light: $9.19/12 pack
Michelob: $9.19/12 pack
Healthy, clean, and good tasting. The choice is obvious. Still not sure? Here are some reviews by everyday people, just like you and me. Living the dream, just living the dream.
" From the early days, all the way to the present day, it has been promoted as the blue- collar man's beer. It's the type of beer that you pop open after a long day of doing physical labor, working on the assembly line, working at the construction site"
Working Joe
" The Miller Brewing Co. was founded in 1855 and is now a wholly- owned subsidiary of the Phillip Morris Company and the second largest brewer in the United States. If it is alright with Phillip Morris, it is alright by me. High Life lived up to the company name and reputation."
Camel Joe
"Miller High Life is a good macro-brewed domestic beer and that is all. If you're looking for a beer to drink while watching baseball on TV or while playing a round of golf, this is a good bet."
Joe Sports
" This beer is perfect for your average college student looking to get "intoxicated" and looking to do it quick. 'Drunk-in-a-bottle' is what it should be called."
Joe College
"Who Shouldn't Buy This Beer: Snooty yupmeisters who like to prattle on about their favorite microbrews."
Poor Joe
" My husband was surprised to see that after about an hour, I had finished a whole 16 oz can."
Mama Jane
" Believe it or not, High Life is also the reason that for all you do, this Bud’s for you, since Anheuser-Busch developed that slogan in response to and in imitation of the highly successful Miller campaign. "
Joe History
"This is the best beer I have ever had"
Katie Powell, former Bud Light fanatic.
So, run to the store and look for only one thing, the "Champagne of Beers", it is the best beer available on the market. You have read countless Everyday Joe recollections, you have seen the stats. There is no reason to think to hard, grab your High Life, save your money, get your ass on that couch, and scream out the question to this Jeopardy answer.
Official sponser of Man Month
"What is Miller High Life!!!!"
Brandon R. Blevins
posted by Man Month at 1:20 PM
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